Good-Bye

Pa has been to see us twice this year. He is so feeble it makes me feel sad to look at him, and I feel each time I tell him good-bye I shall never see him again. - Frances, January 1891

It’s that time of year again. For me, mid-March is always a bit tough. I wanted to post something last week, but I just couldn’t think of anything to say. There is plenty going on in the world, and in my life, but March 16 always leaves me lacking a voice. Luckily, I came across this post from Frances about her father.

Last week marked the 11th year since my Dad passed away. I try to spend time remembering fun memories and experiences we shared. But inevitably, I remember the difficult parts of his final years. His lack of mobility and loss of vision. His fading memories and labored speech. The way his body failed him a bit more every day. That was the hard part, and it was my reality for a good bit of time. Frances seemed to experience something similar - each time she saw her father, she thought it would be the last.

Maybe this ‘anniversary’ was particularly hard because I’m heading back into a caretaker role (Mama). Maybe it was hard because I am writing about my Grandmother’s experience being pregnant with him. Maybe it’s just hard. And that’s ok.

The thing about grief is it never really goes away. If you haven’t heard the ‘ball in a box’ concept of grief, do a quick search. I’m not sure where it originated, but I’ll summarize. Basically, your grief is a ball bouncing around in a box. When the ball touches the side of the box, that represents a feeling of grief (sadness, anger…whatever). At first, the ball is really large so it touches the sides all the time. Gradually, the ball gets smaller, so it touches the sides less and less. But the ball never goes away, and you can never really predict when your grief will return. Rather than fighting it or trying to ‘get over it,’ you are allowed to just feel your feelings, whenever they occur.

To anyone experiencing grief, whether your ball is tiny or enormous, try to be gentle with yourself. Take some time. Take a break. Take a walk. Take a nap. Do whatever you can to be kind to yourself.