Good-Bye

Pa has been to see us twice this year. He is so feeble it makes me feel sad to look at him, and I feel each time I tell him good-bye I shall never see him again. - Frances, January 1891

It’s that time of year again. For me, mid-March is always a bit tough. I wanted to post something last week, but I just couldn’t think of anything to say. There is plenty going on in the world, and in my life, but March 16 always leaves me lacking a voice. Luckily, I came across this post from Frances about her father.

Last week marked the 11th year since my Dad passed away. I try to spend time remembering fun memories and experiences we shared. But inevitably, I remember the difficult parts of his final years. His lack of mobility and loss of vision. His fading memories and labored speech. The way his body failed him a bit more every day. That was the hard part, and it was my reality for a good bit of time. Frances seemed to experience something similar - each time she saw her father, she thought it would be the last.

Maybe this ‘anniversary’ was particularly hard because I’m heading back into a caretaker role (Mama). Maybe it was hard because I am writing about my Grandmother’s experience being pregnant with him. Maybe it’s just hard. And that’s ok.

The thing about grief is it never really goes away. If you haven’t heard the ‘ball in a box’ concept of grief, do a quick search. I’m not sure where it originated, but I’ll summarize. Basically, your grief is a ball bouncing around in a box. When the ball touches the side of the box, that represents a feeling of grief (sadness, anger…whatever). At first, the ball is really large so it touches the sides all the time. Gradually, the ball gets smaller, so it touches the sides less and less. But the ball never goes away, and you can never really predict when your grief will return. Rather than fighting it or trying to ‘get over it,’ you are allowed to just feel your feelings, whenever they occur.

To anyone experiencing grief, whether your ball is tiny or enormous, try to be gentle with yourself. Take some time. Take a break. Take a walk. Take a nap. Do whatever you can to be kind to yourself.

But It's Time

Thanksgiving was so fun. And our last in Montgomery. It’s sad to see the house go. But it’s time. - Miranda, November 2005

Much like Frances, I have very strong associations with places. Every year, as I begin the Thanksgiving preparations, I reminisce about Thanksgivings Past.

I remember our last Thanksgiving at my Aunt’s house in Montgomery. My cousin Claire was just a baby. My Grandparents were still young(ish). We had our classic family dishes. Nothing stands out as spectacular or unusual, but that’s what made it so lovely. The tradition continued, and that alone is perfect.

Houses come and go. They feel like home for a while, and then it is time to move on. But it is never the house that makes it feel like home. It is the people. The stories. The celebrations. The customs. This year, whether you are honoring the past or starting new traditions, I hope you have a wonderful holiday in whatever place feels like home for you.

Just like my diary entry, this blog post is short and to the point. I have to get back to my giant checklist. Now, where did I put that cranberry sauce….

This Mail Is Too Important

We haven’t received your answer to our first letter yet, but there is an American boat in today and we hope to get some mail on that, I hope, I hope. We had a clipper letter from the Dohrmans last week and were so glad to hear from them. It was such a nice happy letter and it made us feel real good. It was the first word Clary heard from them since we arrived here. It’s funny what mail from the States means to the folks out here - how we all watch the papers for arrivals of American Boats and Clippers and then the whole gang congregates at the post office, waiting for the ferry to come in in the evening. This mail is too important to let the postman bring around - everybody’s waiting for it right off the boat. - Annette, May 1940

Just this week, I was listening to an author describe her latest book, centered around the idea of unplugging from your cell phone and reconnecting with the people around you. This is a very popular idea these days. Phone-free dinners are becoming the norm, with some restaurants even providing ‘phone pockets’ to keep your devices off the table (I’m looking at you, Joanna Gaines!). More and more, people are weighing the importance of “Do Not Disturb.”

We live in a world where we feel obligated to be available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We take our laptops on family vacations. We check emails late into the night. We share pictures of our food with the world, even before we have our first bite. In our hyper-connected society, we love the rush of staying in touch. However, sometimes that feeling of always being ‘on’ can lead to anxiety, exhaustion, and just general stress. Our ‘Fear Of Missing Out’ leads us to actually miss out on the present moment around us.

Now imagine the opposite were the case. Your only connection to the outside world came via clipper ship, and was often 4-6 months behind. You could only share your activities through a typewriter and international postage. Annette lived for mail days. She always wrote in her diary about the letters and magazines she received. It was the highlight of her day, sometimes even skipping her studies to read her Redbook magazine. I love the image of their crew gathering at the post office, waiting breathlessly for precious cargo - words of love, support, and daily life from their families and friends.

How many of us write letters anymore? We send and receive dozens (if not hundreds) of emails a day, but how often do we stop everything to read or write to a loved one? Maybe we can find a balance between constant communication and thoughtful correspondence. Maybe we can be more present with family and friends, and treat that time the same way as Annette - with anticipation, enthusiasm, and joy.

I Had Every Attention

At my babies birth I had every attention. Mrs. Herbert was with me besides others. Annie is with me too, and she is the kindest of sisters. And if I do say so, she is one of the loveliest women I ever knew. Dr. Pearson will surely get a treasure. During my illness she has anticipated my every wish and stays devoted to our dear babies. - Frances, October 1891

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced today that they are expecting. On top of that, my good friend is expecting her second child, and my husband’s good friend just welcomed a beautiful baby girl, so there has been a lot of pregnancy talk in the air. I found it amusing that I came across this entry from Frances.

Here, Frances reflects on the support she received during the birth of her children. I am guessing that Mrs. Herbert was a nurse or midwife, but she also had her sister with her (who later married the family doctor, Dr. Pearson). She also refers to her pregnancy and birth as an “illness,” which may have been common at the time.

I marvel at how things have changed. Imagine how different it was to give birth in 1891 compared to now. Given the medical knowledge at the time, what a comfort it must have been to have your sister - your closest ally - by your side. Imagine the kind of care and treatment Meghan Markle will have throughout her pregnancy. Whether her family is present or not, I’m sure her experience will be quite different!

We can look to the past for guidance, and we can look to the future for hope, but at the end of the day, all we have is the present moment. At your life’s biggest moments, who is in the room with you?

We Have Been Married 40 Years

I am going to some of the wedding parties - and to-day I dressed up - put on a pretty dress and hat and walked out and said to Mr. Grimes "We have been married 40 years to-day."  - Frances, June 1929

It's been a while since I have written.  To be honest, I've been a little stuck.  Between honeymoon planning and the start of the new school year, I have always managed to find something else to do instead of write.  

Then, just last week, my aunt sent a letter that she found while unpacking in her new house.  It reads like a diary entry, even though it is on stationary from the Alabama Woman's Christian Temperance Union.  It was a letter from Frances, writing to her husband on their 40th anniversary!  The letter, written around the time of their youngest son's wedding, has all the hallmarks of Frances' diary from her twenties but written at the ripe old age of 46.  She focused on describing her children and grandchildren, and just like so many of her diary entries, closed by sharing her gratitude for the love of her children and family.    

Finding this letter was such a treasure.  But even better was the conversation it sparked.  My aunt emailed a copy to my mother, their cousins, and the second cousins.  Everyone chimed in with thoughts, questions, notes, and their own reflections.  Frances' letter brought us all (virtually) together.  In Frances' words, "they have been a continual source of pleasure to me always."  I consider myself lucky to be in the company of the wonderful women in this family, and it is an honor to explore our shared ancestors.  I am grateful to them for their support (and for reading this blog!). 

No Use To Run

We had 5 alarms today - one even after supper when 2 pursuit planes came tearing over the mountains + landed here - they took off again in about 1/2 hr - plenty fast.  Are getting our trunks off but now everyone says the Japs have been pushed back on 3 roads and there is no use to run.  - Annette, May 1943

 

A five alarm day!  For every alarm, they had to drop what they were doing, run to the cave near their house with kids in tow, and wait until the all clear signal.  That is a lot of running!  They watched the planes land and take off - truly on the front lines of a WWII battle.  How exciting - and terrifying!

Annette and Clary sent their trunks ahead to Wahnsien, and they planned to follow on foot a few days later.  Now, they received word that the roads were blocked and there was nowhere to go.  All that work and preparation - now what?  Do you trust what 'everyone' says?  What if it was just a rumor?  Maybe the roads were really clear.  Maybe their belongings were on their way.  Maybe everything was going to be ok.  Or maybe not.

What do you do when faced with an impossible choice?  Stay with the familiar, or head out into the unknown?  Neither option was safe for Annette, but she had a family to protect.  Next week, we'll find out what happened. 

Recreating "The Queen's" Dinner

I had such a blast with this project!  For those of you just joining us, I recreated one of Frances' meals from 1892 (original post below).  There were several components to this menu, so I've compiled the photos into collages.  Hope you are hungry!

As we ate dinner, my fiancé commented that this meal is pretty close to meals we have had here in Atlanta.  There is a huge 'Southern American' trend happening in restaurants right now, and this meal stacks up with the best of them.  We started talking about the MANY changes in the world since the 1890s, and yet, we can still enjoy the same food.  But there is something bigger, too.

Frances didn't just write what she had for dinner - she wrote about enjoying the meal with her family.  Dinner together can be the quiet moment of the day where you get to sit down and talk to the people you love.  Not everyone has the luxury of a made-from-scratch meal every night, but when we do, it is usually a special occasion.  It's not just about the food - it's about the people.

It Was Such Fun Having Company

My 27th birthday and the first one I've ever had when I didn't receive a single present.  Was sort of disappointed that Elsie forgot.  We celebrated Thanksgiving tonite.  I invited Mr. Chen + Miss Su + Doc + Mrs. Chen.  It was such fun having company for a change.  We had a very nice dinner I thot - chestnut stuffing + a pumpkin pie with nuts.  Our table looked very pretty with candles + the jack-o-lantern, tangerine place cards + red autumn leaves.  - Annette, November 1942

 

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  My family has a history of large Thanksgiving celebrations with polished silver, place cards, and delicious food made with love by all our guests.  Every year, my aunt and I start working weeks in advance to plan all the details.  This year, my Thanksgiving will be a bit smaller - just 6 instead of 20 - but I am excited for new traditions!  As I worked on my to-do lists, I started thinking about Annette's Thanksgiving celebrations.

While in China, they were never really sure when Thanksgiving was supposed to be, so they would have their celebrations when they could.  This one happened on a Sunday - maybe to celebrate her birthday as well!  I love that she used fresh tangerines as place cards, and decorated with leaves from their trees.  I love that they made chestnut stuffing and pumpkin pie.  I love that my grandfather carved a pumpkin as decoration.  I can just imagine this beautiful scene, and as I embrace my own inner hostess, it makes me feel so connected to her.

I also love that she mentioned how glad she was to have company.  And that she was a little bit sad to not receive a birthday gift.  So much of our existence on this planet is tied to the people around us, and celebrations can sometimes be bittersweet.  This will be my first Thanksgiving since I was I child that I won't be with my aunt.  That makes me a little sad.  But, I'll be celebrating with fiancé's family, whom I completely adore, so with the sadness there is also joy!  To me, Thanksgiving is a celebration of family - whether family by blood, by choice, by circumstance, or anything else.  I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with good food, good company, and love.  And maybe a place card or two.  

He Is So Feeble

Well here again have I arrived at another birth-day.  The come around only too fast.  Why I'll soon be an old woman.  I am looking for Annie + the Dr. on the 17th - their first visit since they were married.  Pa came over when Annie was married, he is so feeble.  I fear he will not live long - but we all pray that the good Lord will spare him to us yet many years longer.  - Frances, February 1892

 

Frances has arrived at her 28th birthday, and already she feels like an old woman!  Twenty eight seems so young, even to me as a still-young person in my 30s!  How many times do we tell ourselves we are 'too old'?  We have so much to handle in our lives - sometimes, it does seem like the years start slipping away.  Frances is excited to see her sister, Annie, and her new brother-in-law.  Remembering their recent wedding, she thinks back to how her father looked - feeble, frail.  So often it is the burden of adult children to worry about their aging parents.  It is painful, and often overwhelming, to watch a loved one move through the last years of their lives.  It can certainly make you feel older than you are.

And Every Woman Should

Our dear little baby girl is three weeks old to-day and we love her just as much as if she had been here three years.  It is strange how a mother's heart will "go out" towards the dear little creatures.  We are so proud of our son and daughter.  Mrs. Cleveland is no prouder of little Ruth that we are of our little Gesna.  Our boy too is a perfect little man just learning to prattle.  I ought to feel so thankful for Gods mercies - and every woman should.  - Frances, October 1891

 

Strange.  Creatures.  Should.  Are these loaded words?  Or phrases common at the time?  There is love there, but also a hint of obligation.  Even in her personal writing, there is comparison to other families.  Maybe she is surprised by the motherly feelings she experiences.  Thankful to God, yes, but also wrestling with what she 'ought to feel.'  So many emotions.  How often do we compare ourselves?  How often are we conflicted by what we feel and what society expects?