They Are Fascinating

We had a kiddie gig at an elementary school today. We talked some about how kids learn and think. I don’t want kids, but I do think they are fascinating. Especially when they are old enough to have personality. Their minds are fascinating. - Miranda, 2004

There is something incredibly difficult/annoying about reading your own journals. I guess I am the lucky one in this project, because I can choose which of my entries I publish. I try to choose entries that are real and relevant, but I confess that I sometimes avoid entries that are uncomfortable.

Occasionally during my pregnancy, I have thought back to my early twenties when I didn’t want to have children. It seemed like such a far-fetched idea for me, and with all the problems in the world, I shied away from the traditional expectations of ‘settling down’ and creating more people on the planet. I was certainly not shy about expressing those thoughts in my journals. Some entries were more harsh than others.

This entry, though, reminded me that even when I was not ready to have children, I was still thinking about how interesting children are. I have always enjoyed working with kids. I took several developmental psychology classes in college, and I loved learning about how the human brain develops in the early years. I am really excited to see how this new little person comes out, and what she or he will become. I could have never imagined that feeling 15 years ago.

I am still journaling through this pregnancy, and I still use my journal to work out my fears, worries, and concerns. Journals are a wonderful way to get things out of your brain. Still, even now, I look back on entries I’ve written over the past 4 months and I cringe to think that someone will read those words someday. But that is exactly the reason to write the words. It is part of the process - at least, part of my process. My pregnancy will not defined by any one journal entry, just as my thoughts on children are not defined by thoughts in my twenties. We don’t know how our lives will change. We don’t know where we will be (physically, emotionally) in 5, 10, 15 years. The best we can do is continue to make space for our thoughts and work through them in whatever way we can. Acceptance. Using words from a Hamilton song, “Can you imagine?”

I Thank God For Them

Married? Yes - one of the best of husbands - a nice home, and two dear children. I thank God for them when I look at them. But I don’t want any more until these are old enough to take care of them. - Frances, February 1892

As I’ve been adjusting to my own major life change, I’ve been thinking about not only Annette’s story, but Frances’ as well. For starters, I have been brainstorming baby names by digging through decades of family names. For those of you who know Frances’ full name, there may be a clue there. =)

Also, as Valentines Day came and went, I took a moment to celebrate Frances’ birthday! You may remember that we aren’t really sure when Frances was born. At some point, she changed her birthday to February 14 - Valentine’s Day - so everyone would remember the date!

In this entry, Frances reflects on the passing of another birthday. She was a young 22-year-old, married with two children. She would go on to have 3 more children, losing one daughter at just 6 months of age, but at this moment in time, she admits that she doesn’t want to have any more children for a while. Even with her household help, she wasn’t sure she was ready for more children. This entry reminded me of Annette’s second pregnancy. She wasn’t sure she was ready.

I must admit that I feel that way at times. I am much older than both Frances and Annette, but I still have moments when I don’t feel ready at all! I am fortunate to have so many resources available - resources that were non-existent for my ancestors. I hope I can stay present and take things one day at a time. When everything in your world changes, sometimes that is the best way forward!

I Had Every Attention

At my babies birth I had every attention. Mrs. Herbert was with me besides others. Annie is with me too, and she is the kindest of sisters. And if I do say so, she is one of the loveliest women I ever knew. Dr. Pearson will surely get a treasure. During my illness she has anticipated my every wish and stays devoted to our dear babies. - Frances, October 1891

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced today that they are expecting. On top of that, my good friend is expecting her second child, and my husband’s good friend just welcomed a beautiful baby girl, so there has been a lot of pregnancy talk in the air. I found it amusing that I came across this entry from Frances.

Here, Frances reflects on the support she received during the birth of her children. I am guessing that Mrs. Herbert was a nurse or midwife, but she also had her sister with her (who later married the family doctor, Dr. Pearson). She also refers to her pregnancy and birth as an “illness,” which may have been common at the time.

I marvel at how things have changed. Imagine how different it was to give birth in 1891 compared to now. Given the medical knowledge at the time, what a comfort it must have been to have your sister - your closest ally - by your side. Imagine the kind of care and treatment Meghan Markle will have throughout her pregnancy. Whether her family is present or not, I’m sure her experience will be quite different!

We can look to the past for guidance, and we can look to the future for hope, but at the end of the day, all we have is the present moment. At your life’s biggest moments, who is in the room with you?

We Have Been Married 40 Years

I am going to some of the wedding parties - and to-day I dressed up - put on a pretty dress and hat and walked out and said to Mr. Grimes "We have been married 40 years to-day."  - Frances, June 1929

It's been a while since I have written.  To be honest, I've been a little stuck.  Between honeymoon planning and the start of the new school year, I have always managed to find something else to do instead of write.  

Then, just last week, my aunt sent a letter that she found while unpacking in her new house.  It reads like a diary entry, even though it is on stationary from the Alabama Woman's Christian Temperance Union.  It was a letter from Frances, writing to her husband on their 40th anniversary!  The letter, written around the time of their youngest son's wedding, has all the hallmarks of Frances' diary from her twenties but written at the ripe old age of 46.  She focused on describing her children and grandchildren, and just like so many of her diary entries, closed by sharing her gratitude for the love of her children and family.    

Finding this letter was such a treasure.  But even better was the conversation it sparked.  My aunt emailed a copy to my mother, their cousins, and the second cousins.  Everyone chimed in with thoughts, questions, notes, and their own reflections.  Frances' letter brought us all (virtually) together.  In Frances' words, "they have been a continual source of pleasure to me always."  I consider myself lucky to be in the company of the wonderful women in this family, and it is an honor to explore our shared ancestors.  I am grateful to them for their support (and for reading this blog!). 

A Real Energetic Spell

This morning I had a real energetic spell :  one thing I thought it was Saturday.  With Willie's help, I cleaned up the parlor and Annie's room, had a regular washing for the babies.  But then we are so unsettled - we may move to Bessemer.  Can't say yet what we will do.  - Frances, January 1892

It can feel great to get things done.  Having a day to clean, run errands, work on projects - that sounds perfect to a list-maker like myself.  This past week, I was a flurry of activity, juggling 4 different To-Do lists and still managing to finish my 'real' work.  It was exhilarating - and exhausting.

Sometimes I wonder if we use our chores and tasks as an escape - as a way of avoiding the big things we don't want to deal with.  We may not be able to resolve a looming crisis or major decision today, but we sure can complete a task!

Frances was proud of her 'energy' that morning, and rightly so!  Maintaining a household and caring for babies is no small feat, so I'm sure it felt great to get things done.  But then she mentions the possibility of moving to Bessemer.  Uprooting her family and moving to a new city.  Starting over.  A decision like that can certainly cause anxiety, especially when you haven't made up your mind yet.  A list of manageable, completable chores starts to sound pretty appealing.  Clean house - check!  Bathe children - check!  Evaluate new living situation and determine possibility of financial stability - um...pass?

While it can be comforting to focus on the To-Do lists, we also need to make space for the 'big things' in the background.  The answers will come, but only if we give them a little room.  Take a step back.  Find a few quiet moments.  Remember to breathe.  

I have two very big events coming up, both of which are incredibly exciting and a little bit scary.  My checklists are winding down.  Now, the most important task for me is to slow down, stay present, and remember every moment of this experience.  To paraphrase Ferris Bueller, if we don't stop and look around, we could miss it.  And I don't want to miss a single moment.

I Want Him To Say Mother

I bathed both the little ones before breakfast.  Then push sister in the buggy in the dining room so that Willie could keep the flies off.  Brother big man sits at the table + must have his "gass" of water.  He will call me "Miss Fannie" + I want him to say Mother.  - Frances, June 1892

Frances certainly had her hands full with caring for her children and maintaining the household.  Here, she describes part of her daily routine.  However, Frances wasn't truly on her own.  She had a cook to help with preparing the meals, and a nurse, Willie, to help with the children.    

How many times have you wished for extra help during a hectic day?  In our modern times, some people are fortunate enough to have that kind of assistance.  In Frances' time, her 'helpers' were former slaves. 

After the abolition of slavery, so many white families kept their cooks, nurses, maids, etc.  I wonder about Willie's story.  Was she paid for her work?  Had she been with the family long?  She was obviously integral to the family's daily life.  From this post, it sounds like Frances' son spends more time with Willie than his own mother - even calling her "Miss Fannie" as Willie likely did.

It always makes me uncomfortable to delve into this aspect of my family's past.  It also makes me uncomfortable that, as a country, we are still struggling with equal rights for all.  Maybe discomfort is a place to start.  Maybe it opens the door to conversations.  Maybe it shines a light on the darkness.

This Day In History!

The Japs got back on our trail today.  Had about 5 ginbows and saw 4 planes flying back.  We powed every time and missed quite a bit of language work.  Washed my head + dried it outside it was that warm.  This evening Clary + I started out reading, but Doc came over and we played bridge.  -  Annette, February 4, 1941

Tonite was Chinese New Year's Eve, so we had to have a pinochle game and more ice cream.  Our ice will soon be gone and our maple flavoring is going too.  Ta Wei is such a little pest.  He drives me too distraction - he gets into so much mischief and is always so dirty and gets his clothes and sweaters so messed up.  Guess he's just a real boy.  -  Annette, February 4, 1943

Ever since I started this blog, I've wanted to do a "This Day In History" post!  Annette's diary is the most regular, so here's what she was up to on February 4.  I was planning to just do one entry, but I couldn't choose between these two - I liked them both!

In 1941, Annette and Clary were still settling into their roles in China.  Annette had time to wash and dry her hair in the sun, and to play bridge in the evening - clearly there were no kids in the picture yet!  All the while, they spent that lovely day running to and from their bomb shelter cave.  As they watched the planes zoom overhead, I'm sure it was starting to sink in - the war was their new normal.  At least there was time for a card game.  

Fast-forward to 1943, when she was chasing around a wild toddler!  Ta Wei is my uncle, the first of Annette's three sons.  From her diary, she sure had a time keeping up with him!  I love that, again, she mentions the ice cream.  That special occasion treat on the eve of Chinese New Year kept her connected to her American life.  Now I find myself craving vanilla ice cream with maple topping!  Of course, no celebration was complete without a card game.  She had such good friends in China, and I love reading about their social card games.

I wonder what will happen on February 4, 2018....

I Can Barely Take Care Of Myself

I am selfish.  I'm worried about having to take care of Daddy, and then Mama if she gets sick.  I can barely take care of myself.  If something happened to me, if I couldn't play, if I got hurt - I'd be lost.  I'd have to find something else.  But I can't support my parents.  I can't even support myself.  - Miranda, February 2007

At 25 years old, Annette and Frances were worrying about their children.  I was worrying about my parents.  

Daddy was somewhere in the middle of his radiation treatments when I wrote this entry.  His first round of tumors responded well to chemo, but when the brain tumors showed up, he had to do a round of targeted radiation, which required him to stay for a month in Tampa.  He was staying at a 'Skilled Nursing Facility' that was just awful.  The brain tumors made it difficult for him to walk, and since the 'Facility' didn't have bathrooms in each room, he had to walk down the hall to get to the bathroom.  Well, that didn't go very well.  The staff made him wear diapers, in case he couldn't make it in time.  That happened during one of my visits.  I think that was the first time I ever changed a diaper.  And it was my dad's.

Being a caretaker is such a huge job.  Daddy had so many people helping him, but it always felt like the big tasks fell to his children.  At 25 years old, while my friends were planning weddings and tracking their ovulation, I was helping my dad use a portable urinal.  I couldn't even think about children.  It's like my brain just couldn't process the thought.  The only references I found in my journals were more along the lines of "If I never find someone and have kids, who is going to take care of me?!"

It seems like people always have opinions about a woman's reproductive status.  No one ever really knows what people go through, or what struggles they endure.  No one knows their past experiences.  No one knows their current situation.  We are all just doing the best we can - making the best choices we can at the time.  And hoping it all works out.   

Not A Single Minute To Spare

I had an awful time today.  Not a single minute to spare.  Tried to iron but didn't get very far.  Tried to wash too today and only got the diapers finished.  Goodness but cooking + cleaning + minding the kids is some job.  I wouldn't like to do it all the time.  - Annette, January 1943

Sometimes, the daily chores of life just pile up.  We feel like we can't get ahead.  Annette had several entries like this during the first week of January.  She was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed - and she was nursing a sore thumb and twisted ankle.  Normally, she had a servant helping with the cooking and cleaning, but when the servants didn't show up, she was left on her own, having to wash and iron every day, plus cook all the meals and take care of 2 babies.

Sometimes, when we are stressed, our bodies struggle to keep up.  It can be hard to stay on top of things when we are fighting an illness or trying to heal.  In Annette's case, she had more going on than just a bum foot.  More to come in the next post... 

I Ought To Be Happy

This is the thrice anniversary of our marriage.  I ought to be happy.  Here I have a nice comfortable home, a dear kind husband.  Two of the dearest little ones in the world.  I am, most of the time.  Sometimes I am about half sick - feel real bad + imagine Mr. Grimes don't love me, but I reckon he does - he does think to say a few kind sympathetic words.  I was never petted in the least in my life.  Why should I expect it now?   - Frances, June 1892

Every time I read Frances' diary, this entry stands out.  Here she is, on her third wedding anniversary.  Living the life she is 'supposed' to live.  Raising two children.  Living in a nice house.  Maintaining that household (with the help of a cook and a nurse).  Supporting her husband.  She has all the comforts a woman could want.

But why isn't she happy?  Are these fleeting moments of sadness - or a more telling description of her married life?  She calls her husband Mr. Grimes - was this just formality, or something deeper?  Was she seeking more affection and connection with her husband?  Or was she just tired that day?

So many questions from one entry, and such a revealing glimpse into her world.  Have you ever felt like Frances?  Felt disconnected from your loved ones?  Felt guilty for not being grateful enough?  Those are definitely familiar to me. 

Journals contain more than lists and recipes - they also hold our doubts, fears, and insecurities.  We are all complicated, messy, beautiful humans - at both our highest and our lowest - and we are more alike than we are different.  

Each Day Is So Much Alike

I try to recall the events of the day, but each day is so much alike that I hardly know when they pass.  Each is filled up with little duties that must be done about the house-keeping + our dear little ones are continually on hand but I would not have it otherwise.  - Frances, June 1892

This is the kind of day I am having - minus the 'dear little ones.'  Do you ever feel like you are in a cycle of tasks?  Today I felt like I could not get ahead - emails from orchestra members, phone calls about the HOA, parents wanting to reschedule lessons.  I spent hours fielding questions and yet, never quite caught up.  

Now, I will be the first to admit that I take on too many projects.  I bring a lot of this crazy on myself, for sure.  For Frances, this was her life.  Even with a cook and a nurse, she still felt that the days were always the same - filled with tasks of everyday life.  Each day was a blur, indistinguishable from the previous.  That piques my curiosity.  I have found that diaries are full of details and yet here, Frances can't remember the day's activities.  When she mentions the children as one of the 'little duties,' her guilt reflex instinctively kicks in.  Wouldn't have it any other way, but MAN, I need a BREAK!  

How do we make time for ourselves without feeling guilty?  Or without feeling like we left things unfinished?  Maybe it starts with just a few moments of breathing.  Turning off the background noise for just a slice of quiet time.  Maybe we start by taking time to 'recall the events of the day' - a simple reflection before it starts all over again.  It may be a hectic life, but it is can also be a beautiful one.  I would not have it otherwise.

And Every Woman Should

Our dear little baby girl is three weeks old to-day and we love her just as much as if she had been here three years.  It is strange how a mother's heart will "go out" towards the dear little creatures.  We are so proud of our son and daughter.  Mrs. Cleveland is no prouder of little Ruth that we are of our little Gesna.  Our boy too is a perfect little man just learning to prattle.  I ought to feel so thankful for Gods mercies - and every woman should.  - Frances, October 1891

Strange.  Creatures.  Should.  Are these loaded words?  Or phrases common at the time?  There is love there, but also a hint of obligation.  Even in her personal writing, there is comparison to other families.  Maybe she is surprised by the motherly feelings she experiences.  Thankful to God, yes, but also wrestling with what she 'ought to feel.'  So many emotions.  How often do we compare ourselves?  How often are we conflicted by what we feel and what society expects?