Don't Think I'll Tell Her

The Doctor examined me tonite and told me Joyce was on her way. Goodness - half the time is over already. What would mother say - don’t think I’ll tell her - she would only worry anyway. Elsie made peppermint ice cream tonight. No word yet from our Daddy - I’m getting so worried. What could have happened to him? - Annette, March 1942

As I get ready for a big doctor’s appointment myself, I found this entry from Annette. Here we are in early March, and I am halfway through my pregnancy as well! As a side note, I love reading the different names she used for her baby. It started off as Joyce, and eventually became Carol - and she ended up with a Tom!

Annette was on her own, with Clary on a trip to Chunking and Wahnsien for fabric and other supplies. With her amped-up hormones, you can tell how worried she was about his trip. As if that uncertainty wasn’t bad enough, she was also hesitant to tell her family back home that she was pregnant again. Sometimes, she felt embarrassed that she was pregnant again so soon after her first child. Sometimes, she didn’t want to worry anyone. I can relate to her concerns, but for a different reason.

I waited a long time before telling people I was pregnant - not so much because they might worry, but because I was worried about losing work. In the freelance world, I don’t have any guaranteed contracts or agreements from year to year, so I have to rebuild everything each season. That kind of uncertainty is magnified by pregnancy, because I have no idea how my employers will react to the news. Will they be supportive? Flexible? Disappointed? Or will they replace me so they don’t have to deal with it?

Luckily, several employers have been very supportive during my pregnancy. Others, I’m still not sure how it will turn out, honestly. It is unfortunate that in 2019, women still have to worry about employment when they get pregnant. My personal choices should not affect other people’s perceptions of my ability to do my job. All I can do is let people know when it comes up, and hope for the best.

They Are Fascinating

We had a kiddie gig at an elementary school today. We talked some about how kids learn and think. I don’t want kids, but I do think they are fascinating. Especially when they are old enough to have personality. Their minds are fascinating. - Miranda, 2004

There is something incredibly difficult/annoying about reading your own journals. I guess I am the lucky one in this project, because I can choose which of my entries I publish. I try to choose entries that are real and relevant, but I confess that I sometimes avoid entries that are uncomfortable.

Occasionally during my pregnancy, I have thought back to my early twenties when I didn’t want to have children. It seemed like such a far-fetched idea for me, and with all the problems in the world, I shied away from the traditional expectations of ‘settling down’ and creating more people on the planet. I was certainly not shy about expressing those thoughts in my journals. Some entries were more harsh than others.

This entry, though, reminded me that even when I was not ready to have children, I was still thinking about how interesting children are. I have always enjoyed working with kids. I took several developmental psychology classes in college, and I loved learning about how the human brain develops in the early years. I am really excited to see how this new little person comes out, and what she or he will become. I could have never imagined that feeling 15 years ago.

I am still journaling through this pregnancy, and I still use my journal to work out my fears, worries, and concerns. Journals are a wonderful way to get things out of your brain. Still, even now, I look back on entries I’ve written over the past 4 months and I cringe to think that someone will read those words someday. But that is exactly the reason to write the words. It is part of the process - at least, part of my process. My pregnancy will not defined by any one journal entry, just as my thoughts on children are not defined by thoughts in my twenties. We don’t know how our lives will change. We don’t know where we will be (physically, emotionally) in 5, 10, 15 years. The best we can do is continue to make space for our thoughts and work through them in whatever way we can. Acceptance. Using words from a Hamilton song, “Can you imagine?”

On Her Way

I got sick at noon and lost my lunch so I guess Joyce is really on her way. I would have to be different than all other women. I didn’t want another baby so soon, but I guess there is nothing to do about it now. - Annette, December 1941

We’re back! Thanks so much for your patience during the down time! The holidays were a bit hectic for me, as I’m sure they were for a lot of people. While I appreciated the time off from the blog, the women's stories were always on my mind. Particularly, Annette’s story.

This entry from her is so honest. Her entry from just a few days prior says “Today U.S. declared war on Japan.” She is quite literally in the middle of a war zone, trying her best to care for the doctors, nurses, workers, and babies in the orphanage. Her toddler is not gaining weight, and has whooping cough. In the midst of all that, she finds out she is pregnant again. Imagine how scary that all must seem. What kind of world will that baby grow up in? Will it even survive? She started off calling the baby Joyce, and later Carol, but eventually the baby would be called Tom - my dad. She was just about two months pregnant when she wrote this entry.

Throughout this project, I have tried my best to relate to Frances’ and Annette’s stories. There are so many common themes that show up in all three of our journal entries from our twenties, except for one. Motherhood. Both Frances and Annette were mothers in their twenties, while I was building my career. I draw from my experiences as a teacher, aunt, and friend of little kids, but I could never truly say that I understood their feelings. Until now!

One of the reasons I took some time off over the holidays was because…I found out I am pregnant! My husband and I are so excited, and we have launched ourselves fully into baby planning, shopping, etc. Once the shock wore off a bit, I had a bit of a revelation. My baby is due just a few days after my dad’s birthday. Essentially, I am in the same stage of pregnancy in 2018-19 as Annette was in 1941-42. How cool is that?!

As I get back on track with blog posts, I’ll keep alternating between stories from Annette, Frances, and younger Miranda, but as you can imagine, I’ll probably see the stories through a different lens. I can’t wait to see how everything - and I do mean, everything - develops!

But That Can't Be

Well I guess I just can't take it.  Tonite after supper I started to hemmorrage and really have a time of it.  We called the Doctor over about 10 o'clock and he gave me 2 shots of urgut then it stopped.  Dr. said it was a bleeding uterous + that I aborded - but that can't be.  We made ice cream tonite - tasted swell.  - Annette, January 1943

Annette was exhausted and struggling to keep up.  All the while, she was pregnant and didn't know it.  In the days after this post, she stayed in bed as she suffered through intense abdominal pains and a fever of over 104 degrees.  She thought she had malaria, but the Doctor confirmed that she was suffering from metritus - an infection of the uterus.  The shots of 'urgut' must have been ergot, a natural remedy used to treat excessive menstrual bleeding, and before or after a miscarriage.

Annette doesn't acknowledge the miscarriage in her diary until a week later.  She couldn't believe that she was pregnant again.  Her body was in survival mode, so maybe she couldn't process it until then.  She was working so hard to take care of everyone that maybe she couldn't take care of herself.  In a later post, she wrote "I sure have one dopey system."

I can't imagine the difficulty of that loss.  Or the difficulty of enduring such a complication with limited access to medical treatment.  And what did she include in that post?  Ice cream.  When our worlds get turned upside down, we turn to what we know.  Food is comfort.  Annette needed healing and reassurance and love during this time - which sometimes appears in the form of ice cream.

That "Funny Feeling"

That "funny feeling" has continued and Clary and I are going around saying "hot dog" and "Whoopee" and such things.  Yep, guess we finally hit the jackpot.  Had a full day of lessons.  The gang all came over tonite for a game of monopoly and Clary + Doc teased me about the cigarette smoke.  - Annette, January 1941

Can you guess what that "funny feeling" was?  Annette and Clary had just started their adventures in China when they discovered they were going to have a baby.  My grandparents were newlyweds - not even married a year yet.  How exciting....and a little bit terrifying?!  These days, pregnancy preparation can mean specialized nutrition, baby showers, birthing classes, and regular check-ups.  Here in China, it meant trying to get enough calories to feed yourself and the life inside you.  It meant tearing up old clothes and sheets to sew baby clothes and blankets.  It meant doing your work every day because you were the only one out there who could.  For some mothers, that is still the reality.  We can't always control the circumstances of bringing new life into the world.  But there can still be a "Whoopee!"