They Are Fascinating

We had a kiddie gig at an elementary school today. We talked some about how kids learn and think. I don’t want kids, but I do think they are fascinating. Especially when they are old enough to have personality. Their minds are fascinating. - Miranda, 2004

There is something incredibly difficult/annoying about reading your own journals. I guess I am the lucky one in this project, because I can choose which of my entries I publish. I try to choose entries that are real and relevant, but I confess that I sometimes avoid entries that are uncomfortable.

Occasionally during my pregnancy, I have thought back to my early twenties when I didn’t want to have children. It seemed like such a far-fetched idea for me, and with all the problems in the world, I shied away from the traditional expectations of ‘settling down’ and creating more people on the planet. I was certainly not shy about expressing those thoughts in my journals. Some entries were more harsh than others.

This entry, though, reminded me that even when I was not ready to have children, I was still thinking about how interesting children are. I have always enjoyed working with kids. I took several developmental psychology classes in college, and I loved learning about how the human brain develops in the early years. I am really excited to see how this new little person comes out, and what she or he will become. I could have never imagined that feeling 15 years ago.

I am still journaling through this pregnancy, and I still use my journal to work out my fears, worries, and concerns. Journals are a wonderful way to get things out of your brain. Still, even now, I look back on entries I’ve written over the past 4 months and I cringe to think that someone will read those words someday. But that is exactly the reason to write the words. It is part of the process - at least, part of my process. My pregnancy will not defined by any one journal entry, just as my thoughts on children are not defined by thoughts in my twenties. We don’t know how our lives will change. We don’t know where we will be (physically, emotionally) in 5, 10, 15 years. The best we can do is continue to make space for our thoughts and work through them in whatever way we can. Acceptance. Using words from a Hamilton song, “Can you imagine?”