A Sleuth of Detectives

I forgot to mention that Sun. evening there was $8,000 taken from Clary’s money drawer. This was not the first time money has been missing. This afternoon we had a sleuth of detectives + cops up here investigating + questioning people. They took them all down to jail tonite - our cook, tailor, + Wu. It seems everyone of them were in on it. Wusifu stole the money + Yangsifu was in on it. Tsayfu was promised hush money. Heard the men had all been beaten up pretty much but did confess the theft. A group of elders from the city came up and criticized us for sending them to jail. Have also unearthed a gambling ring - our orphanage teachers. The foreigners are being severely criticized by outsiders + our own people. - Annette, April 1942

As my own pregnancy clicks along, I went back to Annette’s diary to see what she was going through around this time when she was pregnant with my Dad. She was busy working on a baby blanket out of muslin - which, as it turns out, is still in fashion for modern baby blankets. Then, I came upon this story!

Annette was juggling so many things during her second pregnancy. She was taking care of her toddler, helping organize a conference, and making supplies for her new little one. On top of all that, she discovered that her workers had been stealing from them! She trusted her crew to help her keep house and cook for everyone. That must have felt so violating.

Lately, I’ve had a hard time focusing on my own jobs. I’ve always been good at juggling my performing, teaching, volunteering, and everything else. Sometimes, though, I feel like pregnancy has become a new part-time job. There is so much to prepare for, not to mention everything I need to do to stay healthy and take care of myself. But the world keeps moving. It’s always a balancing act, and I would imagine it will continue to be. Rather than constantly staying busy, I suppose we just need to enjoy the slower moments. Maybe we can all slow down a bit and take care of ourselves. You never know when you might uncover a secret gambling ring that sends your neighbors to jail!

This Is My City

I’m here in Atlanta! My car has a bunch of stuff in it, and after a few days I’ll be able to start unpacking. Soon I’ll have my first independent gig. Yay! and a paycheck. Big Yay! I applied for a receptionist position at a spa near my apartment (I think). That would be really nice. Any job would be nice. I’m really excited to live in Atlanta. As I was driving in, I drove right through downtown and thought “This is my city.” I think I will have some great experiences here. And I’m sure I will grow as a musician and a person. I can’t wait! - Miranda, June 2005

Sometimes when I write, I like to have the TV on in the background. It makes the writing feel less…intimidating. Today, as I typed up my past journal entries, Sex and the City came on, a show I watched religiously in my 20s. I came across this entry just as the Fleet Week episode began to play.

For those of you behind on your reruns, the Fleet Week episode finds all of the women in a state of transition. Miranda is a new mom, Charlotte is a new divorcée, Samantha is newly single, and Carrie is pondering the Great Loves of her past. As she reflects on her relationships, she realizes that the Great Love she cherishes the most is her city - New York City. Such a funny parallel.

I wrote this entry on my first trip to Atlanta, with all my belongings packed in the car, ready to start my new adventure. I had a single gig, a potential day job, a new checking account (for when the money started rolling in!), and a whole lot of hope.

I have always loved Atlanta. I know it isn’t for everyone, but there is something about this place that makes me comfortable. There have been ups and downs, to be sure. When I started out, I was eager to win a job and move on. But over time (13 years!), the city became part of me. I have built a career here. I bought a condo here. I met my husband and got married here, and we live just down the street from my very first apartment, right in the middle of the city. Who knows what the future holds, but for now, this is still My City.

Screw The Future

So here we are in this ridiculous republican world. How sad. He’s going to run this country into the ground. This administration is only concerned with the wealthy right now. No thoughts or plans for future generations. “We’ll do whatever we want - screw the future.”

My new money plan is to set aside $100 each month. I did last month and this month (actually $190 this month). I feel like I’m finally getting a handle on my finances now. It’s time for me to be on my own. - Miranda, November 2004

It is hard to believe that I have gone a month without posting. When I started this project, my goal was one post each week. I am very goal-oriented, and that seemed to keep me on track. Lately, I just haven’t had the heart to post. The school year is in full swing now, and I’ve had a lot on my plate. Well, truthfully, I may have been adding things to my plate so I didn’t have to log in and look at the date of my last post. There is so much going on in the world right now, and instead of yearning to write, I’ve been avoiding it. When I sat down to write, this post from 14 years ago just leapt off the page. All I can say is….

…..at least I’m consistent?! I am still frustrated with the politics of this country. I vote in every election. I call and write my elected officials. And I still feel hopeless sometimes. Change happens so slowly sometimes, and I do not have the best patience. So, what do I do when things are out of my control? I turn to financial planning!

For some people, budgets are stress-inducing monsters that suck all the joy out of life. For me, they are just the opposite. Give me a spreadsheet and a few accounts to manage and I’ll be perfectly content. I might not always be happy about the balances that I’m seeing, but just understanding the math makes me calm. Numbers aren’t personal. You just work with what you have. Making the most of those numbers is like a game. With enough strategy, you can make the numbers change. I can control my choices and see the results.

That isn’t the case with politics, or people in general. Sometimes, it all feels so very personal. I wish I could see other people’s points of view with the same understanding as the numbers in my spreadsheet. If only my choices yielded visible, immediate results, like paying down debt or watching compounding interest grow. It wouldn’t stop me from having strong opinions, but it might help me stay a bit more calm. Maybe I just need a reminder that when things feel hopeless, there is always something to do. It might not fix the problem, but it just might bring a little peace. Here’s hoping we all find our peace in overwhelming times.

I Can Barely Take Care Of Myself

I am selfish.  I'm worried about having to take care of Daddy, and then Mama if she gets sick.  I can barely take care of myself.  If something happened to me, if I couldn't play, if I got hurt - I'd be lost.  I'd have to find something else.  But I can't support my parents.  I can't even support myself.  - Miranda, February 2007

At 25 years old, Annette and Frances were worrying about their children.  I was worrying about my parents.  

Daddy was somewhere in the middle of his radiation treatments when I wrote this entry.  His first round of tumors responded well to chemo, but when the brain tumors showed up, he had to do a round of targeted radiation, which required him to stay for a month in Tampa.  He was staying at a 'Skilled Nursing Facility' that was just awful.  The brain tumors made it difficult for him to walk, and since the 'Facility' didn't have bathrooms in each room, he had to walk down the hall to get to the bathroom.  Well, that didn't go very well.  The staff made him wear diapers, in case he couldn't make it in time.  That happened during one of my visits.  I think that was the first time I ever changed a diaper.  And it was my dad's.

Being a caretaker is such a huge job.  Daddy had so many people helping him, but it always felt like the big tasks fell to his children.  At 25 years old, while my friends were planning weddings and tracking their ovulation, I was helping my dad use a portable urinal.  I couldn't even think about children.  It's like my brain just couldn't process the thought.  The only references I found in my journals were more along the lines of "If I never find someone and have kids, who is going to take care of me?!"

It seems like people always have opinions about a woman's reproductive status.  No one ever really knows what people go through, or what struggles they endure.  No one knows their past experiences.  No one knows their current situation.  We are all just doing the best we can - making the best choices we can at the time.  And hoping it all works out.   

Trying Not To Think About It

My last night in Augusta.  It's a weird feeling.  I'm ready to leave here.  What a great experience to have, and so early in my career.  I'm so worried about money.  I'm trying not to think about it, but I'm deep-down paralyzed with fear that I won't have enough money.  It's terrifying.  Goodbye, Augusta.  - Miranda, June 2005

Just as I started my second year of grad school, I won a 'full-time' job as Principal Clarinetist with the Augusta Symphony.  I didn't hesitate - I leapt into the unknown!  Over the span of a week, I quit school, found an apartment, packed up my life, and moved to Augusta, GA.  It was a one year position with no guarantee of extension, but still I was excited!  Supporting myself as a professional clarinetist at the age of 23!  

The job, as it turns out, was not so exciting.  After the year was up, I was ready to move on.  I had saved up $1000 and decided to move to Atlanta to try freelancing.  Another leap - but this time, even more unknown.  No job.  No leads.  I knew a few people from my time in Augusta, but they were just contacts - nothing solid.  As someone who likes a plan, this lack of plan was 'deep-down' terrifying.  But also, deep down, I knew this was the next step.  I believed I would make it work.

When I was little, my mom used to sing me songs from The King and I.  Here I am - 30 years later - playing the same show.  When Anna and her son arrive in Siam, the little boy asks what his mother does when she is afraid.  She says she whistles a happy tune (cue my mother singing to me as we dance around the den).  It's usually the scary moments that teach us the most.  At the time, they can be deep-down terrifying.  But we stand up tall and keep going.  Leaping into the unknown with nothing to hold on to....except maybe a little whistle.