Screw The Future

So here we are in this ridiculous republican world. How sad. He’s going to run this country into the ground. This administration is only concerned with the wealthy right now. No thoughts or plans for future generations. “We’ll do whatever we want - screw the future.”

My new money plan is to set aside $100 each month. I did last month and this month (actually $190 this month). I feel like I’m finally getting a handle on my finances now. It’s time for me to be on my own. - Miranda, November 2004

It is hard to believe that I have gone a month without posting. When I started this project, my goal was one post each week. I am very goal-oriented, and that seemed to keep me on track. Lately, I just haven’t had the heart to post. The school year is in full swing now, and I’ve had a lot on my plate. Well, truthfully, I may have been adding things to my plate so I didn’t have to log in and look at the date of my last post. There is so much going on in the world right now, and instead of yearning to write, I’ve been avoiding it. When I sat down to write, this post from 14 years ago just leapt off the page. All I can say is….

…..at least I’m consistent?! I am still frustrated with the politics of this country. I vote in every election. I call and write my elected officials. And I still feel hopeless sometimes. Change happens so slowly sometimes, and I do not have the best patience. So, what do I do when things are out of my control? I turn to financial planning!

For some people, budgets are stress-inducing monsters that suck all the joy out of life. For me, they are just the opposite. Give me a spreadsheet and a few accounts to manage and I’ll be perfectly content. I might not always be happy about the balances that I’m seeing, but just understanding the math makes me calm. Numbers aren’t personal. You just work with what you have. Making the most of those numbers is like a game. With enough strategy, you can make the numbers change. I can control my choices and see the results.

That isn’t the case with politics, or people in general. Sometimes, it all feels so very personal. I wish I could see other people’s points of view with the same understanding as the numbers in my spreadsheet. If only my choices yielded visible, immediate results, like paying down debt or watching compounding interest grow. It wouldn’t stop me from having strong opinions, but it might help me stay a bit more calm. Maybe I just need a reminder that when things feel hopeless, there is always something to do. It might not fix the problem, but it just might bring a little peace. Here’s hoping we all find our peace in overwhelming times.

Bigger Things To Do - and Curried Lentils

I am so frustrated with this orchestra.  No one cares that it sounds bad.  It's so discouraging.  But what's worse is that it could be so good.  But no one cares and no one wants to fix it.  So now my goal is to transcend the Augusta experience.  To kind of pretend I'm not really here.  I'll practice a lot and I'll be that really good clarinetist in the ensemble.  That's my goal.  To get out of here.  To move on.  I can't let this ensemble get to me, or I'll start lowering my own standards of my playing.  I have bigger things to do with my life.  On a positive note, I have $487 in my checking, and a $390 visa bill.  So that's $97 surplus.  Not much, but a surplus nonetheless.  No more spending, except a trip to Publix - I have 2 recipes I'm going to make so I'll have some real food.  - Miranda, October 2004

 

If you ever want to wear yourself out, just pick up your diary or journal from 14 years ago.  I promise, in no time, you will be thoroughly sick of yourself.  Actually, it's not really that bad.  Sometimes you come across an entry like that sums up a whole lot of feelings, like this one.  As I read it, I think back to Annette's and Frances' entries.  Even though they weren't working jobs like mine, they always expressed their inner emotions.  Both women were observing their current situation, but always looking to the future.  Sometimes with worry or fear.  Sometimes with hope or anticipation.  Sometimes they just sketched out their paychecks and did the math to see if they would make it though the month.  Looking back on this entry, I can relate to all of that.

I was so lonely in Augusta.  There I was, a 'real' clarinetist, playing in a professional orchestra and making it on my own.  But it was really hard to make friends - mostly because the members of the orchestra came in from other cities.  I was one of the few that lived in Augusta full time.  I came from college life in my hometown, where I had friends and football games and local dive bars.  I had a hard time adjusting to being by myself so much.

Also, I had a hard time adjusting to the level of playing in the group.  I had only known musicians from Eastman and Florida State.  I remember during an orientation meeting at Eastman, the Dean of the school said "For most of you, the ensembles you play with here will be the best ensembles you will ever play with."  I never really appreciated that comment until my tenure with the Augusta Symphony.  Playing with professional musicians was different.  There was a different level of intensity.  People had families, other jobs, personal lives.  I was used to school life - practicing all the time, listening to recordings and attending concerts, having deep discussions about which orchestra we dreamed of playing with (and a good bit of drinking). 

This journal entry was my turning point.  I wanted to set my sights higher than my current position, so I created not just playing goals - "transcend the experience" - but also financial goals.  Working with money can sometimes be stressful for me, but usually, I find it very calming.  If I wanted to get out, I would need money, which meant a financial plan.  I am great at making plans!  I started saving $100 each month, so when I left Augusta and moved to Atlanta, I had $1000 to get started.  No job, no gigs - just an apartment I had never seen in person, and $1000.

Of course, to celebrate my new plan, I wanted to cook!  The journal entry doesn't mention the exact recipe, but I remember what it was.  Curried Lentils.  I didn't do much cooking in Augusta, so when I found something that worked, I made it ALL THE TIME.  This recipe included a tomato-yogurt sauce, but I never actually made it.  Just lentils and rice.  I haven't made these curried lentils since 2005 or so.  I think it's time to try them out again!

 

Curried Lentils with Vegetables

3 cups vegetable stock

1/12 cups lentils, rinsed and drained

1 cup chopped carrot

1 cup chopped onion

2/3 cup chopped celery

4 teaspoons curry powder

2 teaspoons grated fresh ginger

1 clove garlic, minced

1/2 teaspoon salt

 

In a large saucepan combine water, lentils, carrot, onion, celery, curry powder, ginger garlic, and salt.  Bring to boiling; reduce heat.  Simmer, covered, for 30 to 35 minutes or until lentils are tender and most liquid is absorbed.  Remove from heat.  Let stand, covered, for 5 minutes.

 

I had forgotten how easy this meal really is.  It all goes in one pot and can easily be vegetarian or meaty.  Check out the pictures below!  Enjoy!

 

I Am Fairly Stable

What would make me feel successful?

• Having a full time, salaried, tenured position in a great orchestra with health insurance and little risk of the group folding - at least $30K/year

•  Having a comfortable emergency fund ($20K) and a decent IRA amount ($20K)

•  Having nice furniture and my own little house so I could practice whenever I want

•  Losing another 15 pounds

•  Having clear skin

•  Having financial security so I don't have to worry so much

•  Having a partner to do things with

 

What do I have now that is successful?

 •  A flexible job that I am not tied down to

•  I can make my own decisions without consulting a spouse or family.

•  Friends who like beer

•  Small IRA, small savings

•  I've lost 20 pounds already.

•  I am fairly stable.

- Miranda, May 2009

 

 

As I read through all of these diaries, the thing that always stands out to me is how women's opportunities have changed.  For Annette and Frances in their 20s, career options were limited (if not non-existent).  They had to make their way within a very strict social structure, mostly defined by their husbands' choices.  When I was in my 20s, I was supporting myself, living paycheck to paycheck, but by choice.  I was the one who got to choose.

Sometimes, though, not all my choices felt like the right ones.  When I wrote this entry, I felt like a failure.  I needed something to help me make sense of my life.  Time to make a list!  I am such a list-maker.  My journals are littered with them.  Pro/con.  To-do.  Goals.  Resolutions.  Income/expenses.  Maybe I would find my answers in a list.

For part one, I listed what would make me feel successful.  Success is a tricky concept - it is such a big word, largely defined by the person using it.  A steady job, financial security, a safe place to live, different appearance, better relationships - I think some version of those requests would show up on every woman's list, no matter where or when they lived. 

For part two, I listed what could already be considered successful.  I used my journal to play devil's advocate with myself.  Yes, I felt I was lacking in some areas, but what did I have that was good?  Flexibility, freedom, independence, drinking buddies - not too shabby, in hindsight.  Plus, I considered myself 'fairly stable.'  A little bit crazy, but mostly functional.  I'll take it! 

If I'm being honest, while the 'success requirements' have changed slightly, most of them are still the demons in the back of my mind.  It still feels like my life is never secure enough.  Never financially solid.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I wrote a similar entry in my journal last night - almost 10 years later.  At least I have a wonderful partner this time around, who patiently supports all my 'less stable' moments. (Thanks, babe.)

If Frances or Annette could have seen my life, would they have wished for my opportunities?  What would they say about a woman who chooses her own path?  As women, we are constantly struggling with our successes and our failures - differently defined for each person, but somehow, universal.  As women's roles in society continue to grow, change, and challenge others, it is important to remember the progress we have made.  It has been slow, and difficult, but we keep pushing on.  And we will continue to push.

Christmas Day I Was Mad And Worried

Christmas day I was mad and worried all day.  We felt so poor could not give each other the least presents.  - Frances, December 1891

 

As the school year and work projects wind down, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Now, on my first full day off, I planned to finish shopping for presents, start prepping for holiday parties, and cook/bake up a storm.  As with years past, I seem to have forgotten that other people had the same idea!  Roads are clogged, parking lots are a nightmare, and all the store-brand egg nog supplies are long gone.  

Frances had a lot on her mind when she wrote this brief entry.  They were considering moving to a new town, and unsure of their finances.  Even in the late 1800s, Christmas came with big expectations.  Sometimes, we can't afford gifts.  Sometimes, we are weighing a major life decision.  Sometimes, we are just anxious about the future.  

During this hectic time of year, I hope you can take a moment to breathe.  Remember what is important to you - be it family, travel, solitude, faith, or anything else.  It's not about the presents.  It's about being true to yourself.

I Don't Want Him To Be Scared

Trying to keep my regular life going.  Worked today, went to the gym, practiced 1 hour.

But Daddy is dying.

All that work and planning for Assisted Living facilities, budget, disability, social security.  Now the cancer is back.  And here are the options:

1 - no treatment - die soon

2 - methotrexate into spine - 3-4 months

3 - port into his brain to do smaller doses of methotrexate - 3-4 months

I just want him to talk about it.  I'm scared he won't be ready for death.  But he has never dealt with the reality of his body.  I don't want him to be scared.  I don't want him to be alone.  He's in denial or maintaining hope.  I want someone to tell me how to deal with this.  I'm angry.  I get angry at people.  And I'm angry with God.  It's not fair.

Look at me, trying to tell a dying man how to feel about death.  I just don't want him to be scared.  to be afraid until the very end.  - Miranda, July 2007 

 

I had just turned 26.  This was my dad's third round of cancer.  Tumors on his adrenal glands were treated with chemotherapy.  The metastasized brain tumors brought rounds of radiation.  During all those treatments, I was handling his finances - making sure bills were paid, etc.  My brother, sister, and I were looking at facilities for my dad, because he could barely walk and was becoming increasingly blind.  I learned all about different chemo drugs, ports, radiation masks - information I wish I never had to learn.  I wish that no one had to learn about that.  I was trying to live my life, just like anyone else, but I was also a caretaker.  Emotions came in waves, or all at once.  Reading (and writing) this makes me cry.  I don't really remember much from that time in my life.  Grief is a funny thing.  The things I remember are the simple ones, like a stranger holding the door for me at a store.  You never really know what someone else is going through.  Patience and kindness can sometimes do more for someone than we will ever know.