I Am Fairly Stable

What would make me feel successful?

• Having a full time, salaried, tenured position in a great orchestra with health insurance and little risk of the group folding - at least $30K/year

•  Having a comfortable emergency fund ($20K) and a decent IRA amount ($20K)

•  Having nice furniture and my own little house so I could practice whenever I want

•  Losing another 15 pounds

•  Having clear skin

•  Having financial security so I don't have to worry so much

•  Having a partner to do things with

What do I have now that is successful?

 •  A flexible job that I am not tied down to

•  I can make my own decisions without consulting a spouse or family.

•  Friends who like beer

•  Small IRA, small savings

•  I've lost 20 pounds already.

•  I am fairly stable.

- Miranda, May 2009

As I read through all of these diaries, the thing that always stands out to me is how women's opportunities have changed.  For Annette and Frances in their 20s, career options were limited (if not non-existent).  They had to make their way within a very strict social structure, mostly defined by their husbands' choices.  When I was in my 20s, I was supporting myself, living paycheck to paycheck, but by choice.  I was the one who got to choose.

Sometimes, though, not all my choices felt like the right ones.  When I wrote this entry, I felt like a failure.  I needed something to help me make sense of my life.  Time to make a list!  I am such a list-maker.  My journals are littered with them.  Pro/con.  To-do.  Goals.  Resolutions.  Income/expenses.  Maybe I would find my answers in a list.

For part one, I listed what would make me feel successful.  Success is a tricky concept - it is such a big word, largely defined by the person using it.  A steady job, financial security, a safe place to live, different appearance, better relationships - I think some version of those requests would show up on every woman's list, no matter where or when they lived. 

For part two, I listed what could already be considered successful.  I used my journal to play devil's advocate with myself.  Yes, I felt I was lacking in some areas, but what did I have that was good?  Flexibility, freedom, independence, drinking buddies - not too shabby, in hindsight.  Plus, I considered myself 'fairly stable.'  A little bit crazy, but mostly functional.  I'll take it! 

If I'm being honest, while the 'success requirements' have changed slightly, most of them are still the demons in the back of my mind.  It still feels like my life is never secure enough.  Never financially solid.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I wrote a similar entry in my journal last night - almost 10 years later.  At least I have a wonderful partner this time around, who patiently supports all my 'less stable' moments. (Thanks, babe.)

If Frances or Annette could have seen my life, would they have wished for my opportunities?  What would they say about a woman who chooses her own path?  As women, we are constantly struggling with our successes and our failures - differently defined for each person, but somehow, universal.  As women's roles in society continue to grow, change, and challenge others, it is important to remember the progress we have made.  It has been slow, and difficult, but we keep pushing on.  And we will continue to push.

Time To Let Go Of Old Things

It's a new year.  New possibilities.   Time to let go of old things.  Old thoughts.  Old habits.  Sad to see so many things end this year.  But think how different things were last year.  I was about to start school.  Dad was still sick in the assisted living place.  Those are my measuring sticks for the last 2 years.  How sick was Daddy.  Where was he.  What hospital were we dealing with.  He's not struggling anymore.  He's not in pain.  I don't want to struggle anymore.  Goodbye 2008.  -  Miranda, January 2009 

I've always had a hard time with New Years Eve.  There's this pressure to dress up, wear silly hats, use paper noisemakers, and drink/eat a lot - all to celebrate the passing of a year.  I've always preferred spending New Years Eve alone.  At the stroke of midnight, I like to be at home, writing in my journal, making a list of resolutions and remembering the year.  Definitely an introvert, right? 

Some years we don't want to remember.  2008 was one of those for me.  It's strange, because so much of that year was a blur - what gigs I played, who I spent time with, what I wrote for my Comprehensive Exams.  Then again, there are moments that I remember so very clearly, like going to the grocery store right after Daddy died because there was no food in the house and we would need to make quesadillas.  And this entry.

Reading back, the end of this entry sounds a little harsh, if not outright depressing.  But that's not how I felt.  I felt free.  After a year (plus) of fighting to help Daddy, fighting to finish school, fighting to keep my gigs so I could pay my bills, I felt like I could let go a little.  I could give myself permission to walk away from the pain and the hurt and the anger and the tears from 2008.  Of course, it's not like I was 'cured' of my grief - those feelings would certainly return now and then - but on that New Years Eve, I was able to step back from my grief and say out loud - I don't want to struggle anymore.  Whatever this new year brings, I don't need to fight anymore.  Clean slate.  One day at a time, and that's enough.  

After the ups and downs of 2017, maybe we can all start fresh and take things one day at a time.  Cheers to 2018.  May it be filled with joy, compassion, and love.