I Am Fairly Stable

What would make me feel successful?

• Having a full time, salaried, tenured position in a great orchestra with health insurance and little risk of the group folding - at least $30K/year

•  Having a comfortable emergency fund ($20K) and a decent IRA amount ($20K)

•  Having nice furniture and my own little house so I could practice whenever I want

•  Losing another 15 pounds

•  Having clear skin

•  Having financial security so I don't have to worry so much

•  Having a partner to do things with

What do I have now that is successful?

 •  A flexible job that I am not tied down to

•  I can make my own decisions without consulting a spouse or family.

•  Friends who like beer

•  Small IRA, small savings

•  I've lost 20 pounds already.

•  I am fairly stable.

- Miranda, May 2009

As I read through all of these diaries, the thing that always stands out to me is how women's opportunities have changed.  For Annette and Frances in their 20s, career options were limited (if not non-existent).  They had to make their way within a very strict social structure, mostly defined by their husbands' choices.  When I was in my 20s, I was supporting myself, living paycheck to paycheck, but by choice.  I was the one who got to choose.

Sometimes, though, not all my choices felt like the right ones.  When I wrote this entry, I felt like a failure.  I needed something to help me make sense of my life.  Time to make a list!  I am such a list-maker.  My journals are littered with them.  Pro/con.  To-do.  Goals.  Resolutions.  Income/expenses.  Maybe I would find my answers in a list.

For part one, I listed what would make me feel successful.  Success is a tricky concept - it is such a big word, largely defined by the person using it.  A steady job, financial security, a safe place to live, different appearance, better relationships - I think some version of those requests would show up on every woman's list, no matter where or when they lived. 

For part two, I listed what could already be considered successful.  I used my journal to play devil's advocate with myself.  Yes, I felt I was lacking in some areas, but what did I have that was good?  Flexibility, freedom, independence, drinking buddies - not too shabby, in hindsight.  Plus, I considered myself 'fairly stable.'  A little bit crazy, but mostly functional.  I'll take it! 

If I'm being honest, while the 'success requirements' have changed slightly, most of them are still the demons in the back of my mind.  It still feels like my life is never secure enough.  Never financially solid.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I wrote a similar entry in my journal last night - almost 10 years later.  At least I have a wonderful partner this time around, who patiently supports all my 'less stable' moments. (Thanks, babe.)

If Frances or Annette could have seen my life, would they have wished for my opportunities?  What would they say about a woman who chooses her own path?  As women, we are constantly struggling with our successes and our failures - differently defined for each person, but somehow, universal.  As women's roles in society continue to grow, change, and challenge others, it is important to remember the progress we have made.  It has been slow, and difficult, but we keep pushing on.  And we will continue to push.

I Just Stopped Caring

Charleston audition was fine.  Made it to the finals.  Had to play Daphnis second part.  It was ok, but in the final round I just stopped caring.  So it was boring, and they picked a girl to play an extra round by herself.  Maybe they offered her the job, maybe not.  But this is fine, because I really didn't want the job.  I'm starting to play more like myself though.  That's all I want.  To be myself.  - Miranda, September 2006

I feel like every musician has one of these auditions at some point.  We wait months (years) for an opening in an orchestra.  We prepare the required list of orchestral excerpts.  We adjust our eating and sleeping schedules to maximize practice efficiency.  We record ourselves and spend hours replaying/critiquing what we hear.  We meditate.  We journal.  We have minor (or major) nervous breakdowns.  All to play just a few minutes in front of the audition committee.  Most people go through something similar for job interviews, but I've always found it interesting that while others are trying to 'get the job', while musicians are trying to 'WIN the job.'  The goal is winning the audition.  It's not enough to demonstrate your qualifications and be the best person for the job.  You have to win.  We are hardwired to take every audition.  To go after every spot.  The 'good' jobs are rare - You'd better take it!  Sometimes, though, an audition feels like going through the motions.  I was happy to advance to the next round for this audition, but my heart wasn't in it.  I spend months preparing, but deep down, I knew this was not the job for me.  I pushed through, took the audition, and it was all fine.  Fine doesn't win auditions.  But sometimes that's ok.  I always struggle with the inner voice that says It will be good for you.  We absolutely need to do things that push our limits - that's how we learn.  

But how do we learn to trust our instincts?  Did I take that audition out of fear?  You have to do this!  People will forget about you!  They will never call you again!  Obligation?  Jobs don't open often.  You need the money.  Insecurity?  Prove yourself!  You'll never be enough until you win a job!  I am not sure.  But after that audition, I felt like I had played like myself.  At the end of the day, that's all you can do.  Put it all out there, show them what you can do, play the music the way you feel, and hope that things fall into place.  At the end of the day, all you can be is what you are.