As Far As I Can Go

No need wasting energy thinking about this place.  Only a few more weeks to go, and then I'm done with this Symphony.  I'm off to bigger & better things.  Off to new adventures.  It's so interesting how people take different paths.  Sometimes certain roads are blocked off, but then you just choose a new one.  That's where I am.  I've gone as far as I can go here.  Time to move on.  - Miranda, April 2005

Choosing my own diary entries is always challenging for me.  I would guess that not many people wake up and decide they want to re-read their own diaries from their 20s.  For me, those pages are filled with all kinds of feelings.  Insecurity about my body and my career.  Confidence about living on my own.  Reflection on my current situation and longing for something bigger and better.  This post was part of my 'swan song' collection of writing.  I was ready to move on from my orchestra job, but still had no idea what I was going to do.  All I knew is that I was leaving.  I had gone as far as I could go.

The other challenge in working with my own diary is more logistical.  I spent a great deal of time transcribing Frances' and Annette's diaries, but I could never bring myself to start on my own.  That means that every time I write from my own diaries, I have to pull out a stack of 14 diaries and dig through my innermost thoughts between 2004-2012.  It is emotionally exhausting, to say the least.

Well, I've gone as far as I can go with that method.  This summer, in between blog posts, I'll be digitizing all of my diary entries.  I'll have a box of tissues ready for the sad parts, and maybe a glass of wine or two to stave off the embarrassment.  Wish me luck!

I Am Fairly Stable

What would make me feel successful?

• Having a full time, salaried, tenured position in a great orchestra with health insurance and little risk of the group folding - at least $30K/year

•  Having a comfortable emergency fund ($20K) and a decent IRA amount ($20K)

•  Having nice furniture and my own little house so I could practice whenever I want

•  Losing another 15 pounds

•  Having clear skin

•  Having financial security so I don't have to worry so much

•  Having a partner to do things with

What do I have now that is successful?

 •  A flexible job that I am not tied down to

•  I can make my own decisions without consulting a spouse or family.

•  Friends who like beer

•  Small IRA, small savings

•  I've lost 20 pounds already.

•  I am fairly stable.

- Miranda, May 2009

As I read through all of these diaries, the thing that always stands out to me is how women's opportunities have changed.  For Annette and Frances in their 20s, career options were limited (if not non-existent).  They had to make their way within a very strict social structure, mostly defined by their husbands' choices.  When I was in my 20s, I was supporting myself, living paycheck to paycheck, but by choice.  I was the one who got to choose.

Sometimes, though, not all my choices felt like the right ones.  When I wrote this entry, I felt like a failure.  I needed something to help me make sense of my life.  Time to make a list!  I am such a list-maker.  My journals are littered with them.  Pro/con.  To-do.  Goals.  Resolutions.  Income/expenses.  Maybe I would find my answers in a list.

For part one, I listed what would make me feel successful.  Success is a tricky concept - it is such a big word, largely defined by the person using it.  A steady job, financial security, a safe place to live, different appearance, better relationships - I think some version of those requests would show up on every woman's list, no matter where or when they lived. 

For part two, I listed what could already be considered successful.  I used my journal to play devil's advocate with myself.  Yes, I felt I was lacking in some areas, but what did I have that was good?  Flexibility, freedom, independence, drinking buddies - not too shabby, in hindsight.  Plus, I considered myself 'fairly stable.'  A little bit crazy, but mostly functional.  I'll take it! 

If I'm being honest, while the 'success requirements' have changed slightly, most of them are still the demons in the back of my mind.  It still feels like my life is never secure enough.  Never financially solid.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I wrote a similar entry in my journal last night - almost 10 years later.  At least I have a wonderful partner this time around, who patiently supports all my 'less stable' moments. (Thanks, babe.)

If Frances or Annette could have seen my life, would they have wished for my opportunities?  What would they say about a woman who chooses her own path?  As women, we are constantly struggling with our successes and our failures - differently defined for each person, but somehow, universal.  As women's roles in society continue to grow, change, and challenge others, it is important to remember the progress we have made.  It has been slow, and difficult, but we keep pushing on.  And we will continue to push.

Trying Not To Think About It

My last night in Augusta.  It's a weird feeling.  I'm ready to leave here.  What a great experience to have, and so early in my career.  I'm so worried about money.  I'm trying not to think about it, but I'm deep-down paralyzed with fear that I won't have enough money.  It's terrifying.  Goodbye, Augusta.  - Miranda, June 2005

Just as I started my second year of grad school, I won a 'full-time' job as Principal Clarinetist with the Augusta Symphony.  I didn't hesitate - I leapt into the unknown!  Over the span of a week, I quit school, found an apartment, packed up my life, and moved to Augusta, GA.  It was a one year position with no guarantee of extension, but still I was excited!  Supporting myself as a professional clarinetist at the age of 23!  

The job, as it turns out, was not so exciting.  After the year was up, I was ready to move on.  I had saved up $1000 and decided to move to Atlanta to try freelancing.  Another leap - but this time, even more unknown.  No job.  No leads.  I knew a few people from my time in Augusta, but they were just contacts - nothing solid.  As someone who likes a plan, this lack of plan was 'deep-down' terrifying.  But also, deep down, I knew this was the next step.  I believed I would make it work.

When I was little, my mom used to sing me songs from The King and I.  Here I am - 30 years later - playing the same show.  When Anna and her son arrive in Siam, the little boy asks what his mother does when she is afraid.  She says she whistles a happy tune (cue my mother singing to me as we dance around the den).  It's usually the scary moments that teach us the most.  At the time, they can be deep-down terrifying.  But we stand up tall and keep going.  Leaping into the unknown with nothing to hold on to....except maybe a little whistle.