No Use To Run

We had 5 alarms today - one even after supper when 2 pursuit planes came tearing over the mountains + landed here - they took off again in about 1/2 hr - plenty fast.  Are getting our trunks off but now everyone says the Japs have been pushed back on 3 roads and there is no use to run.  - Annette, May 1943

A five alarm day!  For every alarm, they had to drop what they were doing, run to the cave near their house with kids in tow, and wait until the all clear signal.  That is a lot of running!  They watched the planes land and take off - truly on the front lines of a WWII battle.  How exciting - and terrifying!

Annette and Clary sent their trunks ahead to Wahnsien, and they planned to follow on foot a few days later.  Now, they received word that the roads were blocked and there was nowhere to go.  All that work and preparation - now what?  Do you trust what 'everyone' says?  What if it was just a rumor?  Maybe the roads were really clear.  Maybe their belongings were on their way.  Maybe everything was going to be ok.  Or maybe not.

What do you do when faced with an impossible choice?  Stay with the familiar, or head out into the unknown?  Neither option was safe for Annette, but she had a family to protect.  Next week, we'll find out what happened. 

Bombed Before Breakfast

Bombed before breakfast!  And a heavy one too.  Several alarms today at supper time - a wounded plane landed here.  A wire from Wanhsien today was like a slap in the face telling us to turn orphans over to govt. cable board if necessary.  We just don't know what to do.  Latest plan to send Simon on Sunday with the babies.  Elsie + I follow a few days later.  Coolies are asking $1200.00 - outrageous.  Elsie + I are going to walk.  Poor Clary - he is thinking so much I think its getting him down he looks so weary.  - Annette, May 1943

This part of Annette's diary is so exciting - mostly because I know she makes it out ok.  In May 1943, the front lines shifted and their little village was right in the center of all the action.  Let's unpack this entry a bit.

A wire from Wanhsien today was like a slap in the face telling us to turn orphans over to govt. cable board if necessary.  The Japanese were bombing them regularly.  They received a letter saying that they had to evacuate, and leave the orphans behind.  After more than two years of setting up the orphanage, church, school, and hospital, they were told to abandon the children and get out.  Can you imagine?!

We just don't know what to do.  Latest plan to send Simon on Sunday with the babies.  Elsie + I follow a few days later.  Understandably, Annette was worried and scared.  Their plans changed each day, based on whatever new information they received.  Here, they planned to send the orphan children towards Wanhsien (the city now called Wanzhou), with Miss Simon, one of the Chinese helpers at the orphanage and hospital.  Annette and her friend Elsie would head out after with their own children (my uncle and dad included!).  I'm not sure how many orphans they had at the time, but even relocating a few would be a true feat.  Again, can you imagine?!

Coolies are asking $1200.00 - outrageous.  Elsie + I are going to walk.  The 'coolies' here were laborers who were paid to transport people and their belongings between villages.  Apparently, when faced with a price-gouging situation, Annette and Elsie decided they would walk.  To Wahnsien, now called Wanzhou.  I just checked Google Maps and plugged in Enshih to Wanzhou.  It was 204 kilometers - 56hours on foot.  Two American women in their twenties, each with two American babies.  Walking 204 kilometers.  During an air strike in WWII.  Let that sink in.  CAN YOU IMAGINE?! 

Poor Clary - he is thinking so much I think its getting him down he looks so weary.  With all these plans swirling in her head, Annette is still thinking of her husband.  Clary is trying to be strong and decisive in making plans, but at the end of the day, he will have to go ahead and leave his wife and young sons to travel on their own.  I can't even imagine.

Usually, I try to rotate through each woman's diary, but we're going to stick with Annette for a bit here.  This story is just getting started....

Trying Not To Think About It

My last night in Augusta.  It's a weird feeling.  I'm ready to leave here.  What a great experience to have, and so early in my career.  I'm so worried about money.  I'm trying not to think about it, but I'm deep-down paralyzed with fear that I won't have enough money.  It's terrifying.  Goodbye, Augusta.  - Miranda, June 2005

Just as I started my second year of grad school, I won a 'full-time' job as Principal Clarinetist with the Augusta Symphony.  I didn't hesitate - I leapt into the unknown!  Over the span of a week, I quit school, found an apartment, packed up my life, and moved to Augusta, GA.  It was a one year position with no guarantee of extension, but still I was excited!  Supporting myself as a professional clarinetist at the age of 23!  

The job, as it turns out, was not so exciting.  After the year was up, I was ready to move on.  I had saved up $1000 and decided to move to Atlanta to try freelancing.  Another leap - but this time, even more unknown.  No job.  No leads.  I knew a few people from my time in Augusta, but they were just contacts - nothing solid.  As someone who likes a plan, this lack of plan was 'deep-down' terrifying.  But also, deep down, I knew this was the next step.  I believed I would make it work.

When I was little, my mom used to sing me songs from The King and I.  Here I am - 30 years later - playing the same show.  When Anna and her son arrive in Siam, the little boy asks what his mother does when she is afraid.  She says she whistles a happy tune (cue my mother singing to me as we dance around the den).  It's usually the scary moments that teach us the most.  At the time, they can be deep-down terrifying.  But we stand up tall and keep going.  Leaping into the unknown with nothing to hold on to....except maybe a little whistle.

I Just Stopped Caring

Charleston audition was fine.  Made it to the finals.  Had to play Daphnis second part.  It was ok, but in the final round I just stopped caring.  So it was boring, and they picked a girl to play an extra round by herself.  Maybe they offered her the job, maybe not.  But this is fine, because I really didn't want the job.  I'm starting to play more like myself though.  That's all I want.  To be myself.  - Miranda, September 2006

I feel like every musician has one of these auditions at some point.  We wait months (years) for an opening in an orchestra.  We prepare the required list of orchestral excerpts.  We adjust our eating and sleeping schedules to maximize practice efficiency.  We record ourselves and spend hours replaying/critiquing what we hear.  We meditate.  We journal.  We have minor (or major) nervous breakdowns.  All to play just a few minutes in front of the audition committee.  Most people go through something similar for job interviews, but I've always found it interesting that while others are trying to 'get the job', while musicians are trying to 'WIN the job.'  The goal is winning the audition.  It's not enough to demonstrate your qualifications and be the best person for the job.  You have to win.  We are hardwired to take every audition.  To go after every spot.  The 'good' jobs are rare - You'd better take it!  Sometimes, though, an audition feels like going through the motions.  I was happy to advance to the next round for this audition, but my heart wasn't in it.  I spend months preparing, but deep down, I knew this was not the job for me.  I pushed through, took the audition, and it was all fine.  Fine doesn't win auditions.  But sometimes that's ok.  I always struggle with the inner voice that says It will be good for you.  We absolutely need to do things that push our limits - that's how we learn.  

But how do we learn to trust our instincts?  Did I take that audition out of fear?  You have to do this!  People will forget about you!  They will never call you again!  Obligation?  Jobs don't open often.  You need the money.  Insecurity?  Prove yourself!  You'll never be enough until you win a job!  I am not sure.  But after that audition, I felt like I had played like myself.  At the end of the day, that's all you can do.  Put it all out there, show them what you can do, play the music the way you feel, and hope that things fall into place.  At the end of the day, all you can be is what you are.

I Don't Want Him To Be Scared

Trying to keep my regular life going.  Worked today, went to the gym, practiced 1 hour.

But Daddy is dying.

All that work and planning for Assisted Living facilities, budget, disability, social security.  Now the cancer is back.  And here are the options:

1 - no treatment - die soon

2 - methotrexate into spine - 3-4 months

3 - port into his brain to do smaller doses of methotrexate - 3-4 months

I just want him to talk about it.  I'm scared he won't be ready for death.  But he has never dealt with the reality of his body.  I don't want him to be scared.  I don't want him to be alone.  He's in denial or maintaining hope.  I want someone to tell me how to deal with this.  I'm angry.  I get angry at people.  And I'm angry with God.  It's not fair.

Look at me, trying to tell a dying man how to feel about death.  I just don't want him to be scared.  to be afraid until the very end.  - Miranda, July 2007 

I had just turned 26.  This was my dad's third round of cancer.  Tumors on his adrenal glands were treated with chemotherapy.  The metastasized brain tumors brought rounds of radiation.  During all those treatments, I was handling his finances - making sure bills were paid, etc.  My brother, sister, and I were looking at facilities for my dad, because he could barely walk and was becoming increasingly blind.  I learned all about different chemo drugs, ports, radiation masks - information I wish I never had to learn.  I wish that no one had to learn about that.  I was trying to live my life, just like anyone else, but I was also a caretaker.  Emotions came in waves, or all at once.  Reading (and writing) this makes me cry.  I don't really remember much from that time in my life.  Grief is a funny thing.  The things I remember are the simple ones, like a stranger holding the door for me at a store.  You never really know what someone else is going through.  Patience and kindness can sometimes do more for someone than we will ever know.