I Just Stopped Caring

Charleston audition was fine.  Made it to the finals.  Had to play Daphnis second part.  It was ok, but in the final round I just stopped caring.  So it was boring, and they picked a girl to play an extra round by herself.  Maybe they offered her the job, maybe not.  But this is fine, because I really didn't want the job.  I'm starting to play more like myself though.  That's all I want.  To be myself.  - Miranda, September 2006

I feel like every musician has one of these auditions at some point.  We wait months (years) for an opening in an orchestra.  We prepare the required list of orchestral excerpts.  We adjust our eating and sleeping schedules to maximize practice efficiency.  We record ourselves and spend hours replaying/critiquing what we hear.  We meditate.  We journal.  We have minor (or major) nervous breakdowns.  All to play just a few minutes in front of the audition committee.  Most people go through something similar for job interviews, but I've always found it interesting that while others are trying to 'get the job', while musicians are trying to 'WIN the job.'  The goal is winning the audition.  It's not enough to demonstrate your qualifications and be the best person for the job.  You have to win.  We are hardwired to take every audition.  To go after every spot.  The 'good' jobs are rare - You'd better take it!  Sometimes, though, an audition feels like going through the motions.  I was happy to advance to the next round for this audition, but my heart wasn't in it.  I spend months preparing, but deep down, I knew this was not the job for me.  I pushed through, took the audition, and it was all fine.  Fine doesn't win auditions.  But sometimes that's ok.  I always struggle with the inner voice that says It will be good for you.  We absolutely need to do things that push our limits - that's how we learn.  

But how do we learn to trust our instincts?  Did I take that audition out of fear?  You have to do this!  People will forget about you!  They will never call you again!  Obligation?  Jobs don't open often.  You need the money.  Insecurity?  Prove yourself!  You'll never be enough until you win a job!  I am not sure.  But after that audition, I felt like I had played like myself.  At the end of the day, that's all you can do.  Put it all out there, show them what you can do, play the music the way you feel, and hope that things fall into place.  At the end of the day, all you can be is what you are.

And Every Woman Should

Our dear little baby girl is three weeks old to-day and we love her just as much as if she had been here three years.  It is strange how a mother's heart will "go out" towards the dear little creatures.  We are so proud of our son and daughter.  Mrs. Cleveland is no prouder of little Ruth that we are of our little Gesna.  Our boy too is a perfect little man just learning to prattle.  I ought to feel so thankful for Gods mercies - and every woman should.  - Frances, October 1891

Strange.  Creatures.  Should.  Are these loaded words?  Or phrases common at the time?  There is love there, but also a hint of obligation.  Even in her personal writing, there is comparison to other families.  Maybe she is surprised by the motherly feelings she experiences.  Thankful to God, yes, but also wrestling with what she 'ought to feel.'  So many emotions.  How often do we compare ourselves?  How often are we conflicted by what we feel and what society expects?