Time To Let Go Of Old Things
It's a new year. New possibilities. Time to let go of old things. Old thoughts. Old habits. Sad to see so many things end this year. But think how different things were last year. I was about to start school. Dad was still sick in the assisted living place. Those are my measuring sticks for the last 2 years. How sick was Daddy. Where was he. What hospital were we dealing with. He's not struggling anymore. He's not in pain. I don't want to struggle anymore. Goodbye 2008. - Miranda, January 2009
I've always had a hard time with New Years Eve. There's this pressure to dress up, wear silly hats, use paper noisemakers, and drink/eat a lot - all to celebrate the passing of a year. I've always preferred spending New Years Eve alone. At the stroke of midnight, I like to be at home, writing in my journal, making a list of resolutions and remembering the year. Definitely an introvert, right?
Some years we don't want to remember. 2008 was one of those for me. It's strange, because so much of that year was a blur - what gigs I played, who I spent time with, what I wrote for my Comprehensive Exams. Then again, there are moments that I remember so very clearly, like going to the grocery store right after Daddy died because there was no food in the house and we would need to make quesadillas. And this entry.
Reading back, the end of this entry sounds a little harsh, if not outright depressing. But that's not how I felt. I felt free. After a year (plus) of fighting to help Daddy, fighting to finish school, fighting to keep my gigs so I could pay my bills, I felt like I could let go a little. I could give myself permission to walk away from the pain and the hurt and the anger and the tears from 2008. Of course, it's not like I was 'cured' of my grief - those feelings would certainly return now and then - but on that New Years Eve, I was able to step back from my grief and say out loud - I don't want to struggle anymore. Whatever this new year brings, I don't need to fight anymore. Clean slate. One day at a time, and that's enough.
After the ups and downs of 2017, maybe we can all start fresh and take things one day at a time. Cheers to 2018. May it be filled with joy, compassion, and love.